Ironically, research shows that the people who work the hardest and achieve the most are often the least satisfied. The same growth-oriented tendencies that motivate you to succeed can also produce a restlessness that makes it hard to enjoy the success you’ve worked so hard to accrue. This might feel productive in the short term as you climb the ladder, but ultimately leaves you at greater risk of burnout. You can keep your edge while celebrating your successes by understanding the forces that drive you, and how to channel them in your favor. As a psychotherapist who frequently works with high achievers, here are three common scenarios I see with clients:
1. You might be a ‘maximizer’
Does this describe you? You’ve worked hard and built a successful career, but you often wonder about untaken paths. You just got a promotion, but are already mobilizing for your next move. If satisfaction feels perpetually elusive, you may be a maximizer.
The concept of maximizers versus satisficers describes two approaches to decision-making: A maximizer seeks the best possible outcome. They review all their options at length before deciding, and even then, tend to question their decision. A satisficer chooses the outcome that is sufficiently good, and rarely second-guesses their decision.
While a maximizer’s high standards and ambition can lead to excellence, innovation, and growth, maximizers are more prone to restlessness and if-only thinking: If only I had chosen differently. If only I had kept looking. The “best” is always just out of reach. Over time, this can become demoralizing and cause maximizers to question their purpose, even in a career they love.
Here’s what helps: Pause and ask yourself: Does this decision align with who I want to be and where I want to go? Clarity on your values can reduce the nagging questions and constant wondering. When you know what’s important to you, it’s easier to let go of tempting opportunities that may be exciting, but don’t line up with where you’re headed.
2. You constantly compare yourself to others
With each step up, your baseline for success continues to move, and it’s easy to look at others in your circle and wonder, why not me? Relative deprivation, a concept popularized in the 1940s, describes the experience of dissatisfaction that arises when comparing oneself to others in a similar context. For instance, someone who earns an above-average salary might feel deprived after their coworker receives a raise. The dissatisfaction stems from the space between what you have and what you believe you should have.
Adding to that complex set of emotions, the more professional strides you make, the more pressure there is to measure up to how others expect you to be. A better title, increased responsibility, and more people to manage—all of these milestones can come with feelings of self-doubt, and thoughts such as: “Can I live up to their expectations?” “Do I have what it takes?” “What if I let people down?” Achievements that we imagine will bolster our confidence can, at times, do the opposite.
Here’s what helps: If you find yourself comparing your progress to others’ or questioning your abilities, take a moment to notice how far you’ve come. Imposter syndrome and relative deprivation thrive in the abstract. So, get concrete and write down all you’ve accomplished. It also helps to identify what you’re actually chasing. Sometimes it’s not a goal but a feeling—belonging, recognition, competence. When the question shifts from why not me to what do I actually want, you stop measuring yourself against someone else’s path and start finding your own.
3. You have post-achievement letdown
You got the promotion or finished a big project you’ve been working on, but instead of feeling excited, you feel flat. Worse, you feel guilty or confused, because you feel you should be more enthused. Turns out, there is a biological reason for this.
Scientists used to think that dopamine—that feel-good chemical our brains crave—was linked to pleasurable experiences. But more recent research shows that dopamine is more closely linked with wanting than liking. This is why, sometimes, getting what we want can feel like a letdown compared to the dreaming, scheming, and anticipating that came before it.
Here’s what helps: When we understand restlessness as the symptom of a psychological need and a physiological pleasure, it changes the question from “How do I get to a place of once-and-for-all actualization?” to “How can I honor my human need to grow, evolve, and expand?” and “Is there a way to strive for more while simultaneously feeling contentment in my daily life?” This may include pausing to appreciate what you’ve built before moving on to what’s next, or finding pleasure and presence in the grind as you work toward your next goal.
Living with restlessness
A certain degree of restlessness is par for the course for high achievers. The goal isn’t to eliminate it, but to keep it from running the show and leaving us perpetually dissatisfied. Instead, we can treat restlessness as a signal to pause and reflect on our values and intentions, so that we’re not constantly chasing the next best thing, but instead finding more pleasure and presence in what’s already here.