In today’s world, the villain in our story isn’t a person; it’s our desire for instant gratification. Explosive sales growth? We want it now. An dream angel investor? We want it now. A raise, a promotion, a spot at the top? We want it now.
Can you blame us? If we can binge-watch an entire season of a new show on Netflix in a weekend and order restaurant-ready food to our door in less than thirty minutes, that can set us up for unrealistic expectations about getting other things quickly, including in the workplace.
The need for speed leaves us rushing and impatient—and it shows in the way we speak, too. Our conversations become transactional, our questions become shallow, and our communication prevents us from building trusted relationships with those around us. If you’re nodding your head, I invite you to consider three conversation-killers to avoid.
1. Conversation domination
Two words: talk time. If the amount of time you’re talking is more than the person you’re communicating with, you’re dominating—and it can be detrimental.
If you’re using the precious commodity of time to push your agenda, solution, or unsolicited viewpoint on somebody without solicitation, you’re talking at them, not with them. Often, we don’t even know we’re doing it. Plus, when we’re housing nervous energy, we can unknowingly engage in conversation domination as a way to soothe our internal discomfort.
The solution? Create a personal practice to ground yourself before every high-stakes conversation so you can experience more clarity, calm and presence. For example, if you’re in a season of feeling time-poor, try the “physiological sigh.” A technique that was discovered in the 1930s to help us rapidly regain control from feelings of stress or anxiety, simply take two deep inhales through your nose and one long exhale through your mouth with pursed lips. Almost instantly, you’ll experience less tension and a sense of presence. Repeat it a few times if needed. This will help you catch yourself in the act or prevent conversation domination altogether.
2. Trying to be interesting instead of interested
Dale Carnegie once said something along the lines of, “To be interesting, be interested.” Here’s how I see it: in any given conversation, your job isn’t to make yourself look significant; it’s to make the person opposite you feel significant. But how do you do it without feeling contrived?
Consider conscious questions, which as I define it, are questions that are grounded in positive intentionality. For example, you could walk past your colleague and say, “Hey Mark, how are you?” Or you could say, “Hey Mark, you mentioned the other day that you were stressed because you had to take care of your sick son while preparing for that big keynote. How’s he doing? How was the speech?”
Do you see the difference? The former lacks depth. The latter is a meaningful question that exhibits intention. Do this right, and you’ll show others how you’re interested in what they’re emotionally invested in.
3. Being attached to an outcome
Whether you’re in a job interview, a sales call, or a meeting with leadership, the stakes can be high. But if you enter any of these conversations attached to a specific result, you’re likely to act inauthentically. Your body language, tone, rate of speech, energy, and more will unconsciously map to your need for an outcome (and often rushing to a specific timeline). That can undermine your communication.
Say you’ve set a professional goal of landing a promotion within the next twelve months. Fast-forward eleven months, and there you are, sitting in a meeting with leadership, discussing a potential promotion. Instead of asking intentional questions, deeply listening, and being truly present, the timeline in your mind has you feeling pressured, impatient and or reactive—and others can tell. You sabotage your own success.
Here’s an alternate approach: Ask yourself, “If I were overflowing with abundance in every area of my life, how would I behave in this moment?” Once you remove your attachment to an outcome, you create an openness to receiving what is truly meant for you, even if it’s not in the time or path you desire.
What this means for leaders
If an organization wants to build a high-trust culture, increase employee engagement, and create a sense of belonging for their people, it begins with leadership learning how to have conscious conversations. The key lies in embodying the behavior you want others to exhibit.
Psychologist Albert Bandura’s social learning theory (SLT) suggests that people learn new behaviors by observing and imitating others. Simply put: when we observe the consequences of other people’s behavior, we’re more likely to imitate the actions that are positively rewarded and avoid those that are punished. In turn, this leads to an acquisition of knowledge, attitudes, and beliefs.
If leadership embodies conscious, non-transactional communication, and rewards others for following suit, this will create change at scale, and a high-trust culture will diffuse as if through osmosis. The byproduct? Long-term success that’s built on the right foundation.
In a remote-first world, we can solve problems, build teams, and maintain relationships from behind a screen. But thanks to those very screens, human connection and communication matter more than ever. The leaders who will stand out are those who prioritize them.
Adapted from Relationship Currency by Ravi Rajani. All rights reserved.